A Practical Guide to your Local Renaissance Faire
October 31st, 2009
On the 31st of October this year, I traveled north to attend the Texas Renaissance Festival, a two-month-long event which serves to reenact the 16th century. An enjoyable time it was; so much so that I had to write a guide to prepare potential attendees for future events.
As deemed by the His Majesty, King General Manager, all who enter the village must be in-character. As a rider to this rule, the characters themselves are forbidden from being convincing lest a variant of Poe's Law is violated. The best method, scholars discovered, is to follow a simple modified vocabulary:
- 1: Milady, Milord: Sure, you may be dressed like you crawled out of a crash between a cartful of mothball-scented robes and a horde of Berserkers carring plastic swords, but damned if you have to purchase your beer from those who don't address you as nobility with all the brown on their noses.
- 2: Pounds: As of writing this, it's about $1.67 USD to the British pound. How does it feel getting duped into spending three bucks for a bottle of Coke?
- 3: Hark! This term has many meanings: the first is, "to listen." The second is, "One second, I got a bolus of corndog down the wrong pipe."
- 4: Wench: "I want to sleep on the couch tonight."
- 5: -e: A suffix. While indistinguislable verbally, and completely nonfunctional in the written form, what better way to add an authentic touch to your store that sells mass-produced acrylic crystal balls that were made in China? See also: "shoppe," "faire," "olde," "douche," and "bagge."
How to fake an accent, Ren Faire Style:
- British: Remember every Geico commercial you've seen and try to mimic that gecko.
- German: See British.
- Spanish: See British.
- Italian: See British.
- Russian: See British.
- Irish: See British.
- French: Don't. Just don't.
Roleplay does not require that you actually have an advanced understanding of the role you represent. For that matter, roleplay does not require an understanding, period. Which brings me to the next step in being in-character: costuming.
For the low price of $1500, or twelve British pounds, you can spend the rest of the year gathering the materials necessary to assemble your costume. The other option is to rent, which has its benefits. Because without you, hundreds of head lice would be without a home.
Popular choices for costumes include:
Ninjas.
Furniture.
Advertising.
Nerds from the 19th century.
Whatever the hell that is.
Boobs: The best and worst-kept secret of the 16th century.
At the risk of sounding uncouthe, breasts were undoubtedly this village's largest net export. Don't believe me?
Don't get me wrong, I have only the highest respect for corseted breasts. They do so much and make so many sacrifices for their owners while asking so little. For the many hours these valiant breasts spend in this undeniably painful and possibly misogynistic stasis, I tip my Viking helmet.
Sometimes, unfortunately, boobs come at a price.
And of course, some things should not be exhibited.
Furries are the antithesis for boobs, and the antithesis for furries is any given Renaissance Faire. Putting them together proves that two wrongs don't make a right.
It gets worse.
A quick zoom-in on his right upper arm completes the picture.
Along the way, I ran into a group of furries that specialized in BDSM, including two in rubber trousers. A perfectly mundane part of your typical English village in the High Renaissance. They wisely refused to have their pictures taken, but you'll have to take my word for it.
Jousting is the only thing France is good at, but I still rooted for the Spanish.
The bubonic plague strikes again.
Nope, no signs of life here.
Canon Rebels are powered by steam.
Warning: inhaling the fumes from your slowly fermenting hat may adversely affect your perception.
Alas, he could not afford the coconut sound effects.
Say goodbye from the Ren Fest!
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