Umlauts äre awesöme
January 23rd, 2007
I love the German language, even if I'm nowhere near fluent. Part of the reason I love it is because the sheer practicality of the umlaut. It's two dots, designed to create vowel sounds that other languages probably don't have. Even if I'm wrong there, it just makes words look cooler.
If the awesomest man in the world were charged with creating the Phoenician alphabet, ėvėr’ wörd wöüld hävė ät lėäst önė ümläüt ļn ļt, even if it wasn't necessary.
The histöry öf the umlaut is thüs
Many years ago, a simple man by the name of Fred Umlaut was born in Germany, and grew up with a disgust for the inefficiency of his own language. He immediately went to work to find a solution, and in his work, he discovered these two elusive little dots.
Now, instead of having to import their eh's from Canada, Germans could manufacture their own ä's in half the time. And that was only the start. Excited by this momentous dicsovery, Fred Umlaut ran to the castle of the king of Germany to report his find.
Unfortunately, Fred was thrown into the dungeon and beaten with bratwursts for barging in so rudely, but the king agreed that was a damn good idea nonetheless.
And so it went. Within a century, the Germans used the umlaut to invent mankind's most important tools, including the wheel, civilization, and beer.
I was skeptical at first, but to my amazement, there is a direct correlation between the amount of umlauts in one's vocabulary and the economic stability of the country in which the umlaut is employed. Here are a few examples.
Finland: No question, Finland has lots of umlauts in its official language. The early 1990s showed that Finland is fairly quick to recover from collapses. Further, the European Commission predicted in January that Finland is likely to recover from the recent collapse faster than the European average.
Germany: The German language, while not as expressive with its umlauts as the Finnish language, still makes use of them in everyday speech. On May 9, 2009, The Wall Street Journal reported that recession is slowing down in Germany and that exports are on the rise.
United States: The English language is, for lack of a better term, barren of umlauts. This is in part due to the fact that a cabal of heavy metal bands bought out the umlaut market in the 80s. Today, the majority of American umlauts are owned by Mötley Crüe, Motörhead, and Blue Öyster Cult. Recently, Dėthklųk has been trying to muscle into the market. Arguably, the American economy is still in the crapper.
Nepal The Nepali language has no umlauts in it at all. The nation of Nepal has a 42% unemployment rate.
Sense a pattern?
Therefore, I propose a solution: understanding the correlation between diaereses and the economy, Finland bears the responsibility to distribute its many umlauts to countries that may not have as many. Understandably, I'm not asking Finland to sacrifice the majority of her vocabulary, but other countries should be permitted to mine such dot-rich reserves as "Hyvää päivää!" (good day,) "Hengittäkää syvään" (breathe deeply,) and "Tiedätkö, sekä poronkäristys että veriohukaiset näyttävät hyviltä" (You know, both the sautéed reindeer stew and those thin pancakes made with blood served with lingonberry jam look good.)
But Fenris! But How can the umlaut be used in the commons?
In so many ways! Here are but a few examples:
At School
"Timmy? Can you tell me what 2+4 is?"
*SNÖÖÖÖÖÖÖRE*
"Correct!"
At the Office
"In my opinion, your department reorganization plan sounds like the flätulation of a thöusand pygmie silverback görillas."
"I want to fire you, but you sound so sophisticated! How's a job at the New Yorker sound?"
Germany
"Wie geht's?"
"Ah, sehr gut, danke, junge Mädchen!"
"Ich bin ein Mann...Dummkopf."
With such versatility, who can say no to the umlaut? Use it löudly, and pröudly!
DISCLAIMER: The use of umlauts will not guarantee you a job at the New Yorker. You also have to wear an ascot and never take a dump.
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