A weeaboo's practical guide to survival
December 5th, 2007
1: Squinting does not make you look Japanese. It makes you look like you put mouthwash in your eyes.
2: Most women do not have pink, green, or electric blue hair.
3: It's a stick with frosting on it. Stop worshiping your snack food.
4: It's Sprite in a shitty bottle. Stop worshiping your soda.
5: It's noodles in salt water. Stop worshiping your lunch.
6: You do not know what "desu" means; stop using it. I'm not sure they know, either.
7: You do not know Japanese if your vocabulary consists only of "neko," "desu," "chan," and "kawaii."
8: Those characters you tattooed on your chest do not mean "peace" and "happiness." They translate to "I" and "suck."
9: Your precious "traditional" anime was produced in France. Umm, there, there, don't cry...
10: You may know martial arts, but you'll still give up when I punch your face.
11: I came to see an anime, not half an anime and half subtitles. Just show me the damn dub.
12: Roger Bacon was an alchemist. No, he did not wear automail. No, he did not clap his hands in place of drawing a circle. No, he did not work for the military. No, he did not...
13: That Hello Kitty shirt was meant for girls. Take it off.
14: No, that username only you can pronounce is not unique. I met someone with the same name last week.
15: I don't care how many times Naruto and Sasuke kissed. Stop drawing yaoi. (See next tip.)
16: Most characters in your favorite animes are underage. Any hentai of them constitutes pedophilia. Hi, I'm Chris Hansen. Why don't you take a seat? Right over there?
17: Not every Asian is Japanese. That's why they look at you funny when you call them that.
18: Ninjas do not wear orange jumpsuits, sunshine.
19: Most Japanese people shower daily.
20: Anime from 2007 is the same quality as anime from 1987. Stop lying.
21: QUICKLY! Who's Japan's prime minister? No peeking.
EDIT: Within a day of this page's release, a handful of weeaboos (oops, sorry, Japan-ophiles, lol) responded to this, primarily out of disagreement to Tip 11 and Tip 20. My response...
Tip 11: This is a matter of personal preference, not an attack on fansubs. Sometimes there are good subtitled videos, and a lot of times English dubs are terrible. Let's do a little math, though...
The only way to see an anime in full is to learn fluent Japanese and watch the original without subtitles. American cable television will edit the dub for content. Worst-case scenario, you'll lose ten percent of any given episode.
Now, take the same episode in its native tongue, subtitled. Technically, you have to focus on two pictures: the animation itself, and the words superimposed at the bottom of the screen. You're only seeing half the program when you're reading subtitles. I'd rather see 90% of a lousy show than 50%.
Tip 20: Yes, I'm well aware Western animation is piss-poor, strawman. I wasn't defending it (see Tip 9.) Just look through the last twenty years of anime, and you'll see the same twelve frames per second, characters statically using the same mouth movements over and over to speak, and CGI sparkles that would rival the skills of a college intern. Yes, some directors have stopped sucking over the years, but generally, nothing's changed.
In other words, stop saying "But THIS animu is good, watch THIS one, lol!" Yea, a couple halfway decent stock shows out of an industry of hundreds of thousands of shitreels isn't going to convince me. Knock it off.
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